Why Am I So Scared To Have Therapy?

Most people feel apprehensive about therapy. Maybe you've put it off for a long time, told yourself that you're ok really or talked about doing it but then found it hard to follow through.

You might notice a lot of fear coming up at the thought of making contact or maybe part of you really wants to and other parts feel scared or defensive. It’s really understandable to have thoughts and fears like this, especially if you have had experiences in the past where it hasn’t felt safe to trust others with your feelings. This is your brain trying to protect you.

Here are some of the thoughts that might be coming up for you:

Talking about it will make me feel worse, not better

What if I’m too broken/ too much of a mess?

They won’t get it and will tell me to do loads of stuff I just can’t do

They’ll think I’m being silly and it’s not that bad

They won’t understand and will make a load of assumptions about me

They’ll think I’m ….. crazy, weak, useless, awful, evil, bad ….and that I deserve all of this or should be locked up

They’ll think I’m failing as a mum and try to take my kids away

If I actually do open up, they’ll see what’s really there and run away/ leave

If I really told them, they wouldn’t be able to cope with it, I’m too much

If I talk about it, it will make it worse/ make it real/ confirm how crazy or bad or useless I really am

I’ll open up a Pandora's box that I’ll never be able to close again

If I go there, I’ll fall apart

I’m embarrassed about it, I don’t want anyone to know that I'm feeling this way

I don’t trust anyone, let alone a stranger

I’ve had therapy/ counselling before and hated it/ felt judged/ couldn’t do it

There may be past experiences that hold strong in your mind – negative past experiences of counselling or therapy, or the feelings that you know come up when you’ve tried talking to a friend or family member about how you’re feeling.

There might be strong feelings of shame coming up when you think about telling anyone about how you’re feeling or what you’ve been through. Shame thrives in secrecy and the urge to keep it in and keep it hidden from other people can be really strong.

However you feel about it, it’s valid. It’s your body and brain’s way of protecting you from something it thinks might harm you. There will be good reasons why that is being triggered for you and thoughts and feelings like that come up for a lot of people.

The fact that you’re here reading this also suggests there is a part of you that does want to connect or reach out, so read on.

From a psychology perspective, what do we think is going on?

Humans are social beings, you have an innate drive from birth to seek connection from those around you. At first, you very literally depend on others for your physical survival so it’s an important survival strategy to seek connection and, if that isn’t offered, to find ways to keep safe whilst getting your needs met. If you get what you are seeking in those early interactions you will likely learn that you exist, that you are lovable and connection with others will trigger a feeling of safety and calmness. You will also learn that you can cope with the feelings that come up inside of you. If that has been the case, reaching out for therapy may not feel too daunting. If that hasn’t been the case, or something significant has happened later in your life, you might end up with a more confused response.

If you sometimes experience safety with connection but often feel dismissed, rejected, ignored or attacked then connection can trigger a threat response- an urge to escape, run away, fight or freeze. So, you may experience an urge to connect that is quickly followed by an urge to escape or hide. In therapy this might look like reading a lot but not reaching out, or reaching out but then not attending, or attending but putting up a lot of barriers. It may also look like any of those thoughts and fears listed above. Later in therapy you may notice waves of that fear come up when you let another barrier down. These are instinctive responses- if this is happening it isn’t your fault, it is your brain and body trying to keep you safe. We can absolutely work with it.

There may also be a fear of being really seen- maybe there is a belief that there is something bad, broken, rotten or evil deep inside of you and a fear that if you do let that connection happen the ‘truth’ about you will be exposed. If that’s how you are feeling, it takes a lot of courage to take that risk.

I really do want to know what’s coming up for you so that we can work on it together, even if that does feel scary.

So, how do I overcome that fear?

Remember that it’s there for a reason; to try to keep you safe. It’s really ok to have those fears coming up. It may take a while and that’s ok too. I’ve worked with lots of people who have taken a long time to reach out or who have reached out several times before being able to attend an appointment, that’s ok.

If you can notice what’s happening and name it, that's a step toward having a choice. You can choose to respond to the fear – to avoid, hide, run away….perhaps coming back several times to gradually build up to something else. You can also choose to try to lean into the fear. Perhaps looking at the impact in your life currently of continuing to avoid/ hide/ run away from it to see if reaching out seems worth the risk.

In an ideal scenario, give some space for those fears and concerns. You could write them out and work through them yourself, you could talk them through with someone you trust, or, you could reach out for an initial meeting and see if that’s something you can voice. Sometimes sharing it by email first feels a bit easier than trying to say it.

You could also have a think about whether there is anything that would make it more do-able. Some people feel safer meeting online than in person, knowing they could just shut the screen if it got too much. No one ever has actually, but many people have said that knowing that they could helped them take that risk and open up. Some people want to look away, type or turn their camera off – we are working together at your pace so if some of these things help at first, or at certain times, that’s ok.

I get that it's hard, I'm here for you when you feel ready to.

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What you think of this blog post? Did something resonate for you? Are there other thoughts and fears coming up for you that I haven't spoken about here? Let me know